Yesterday was Christmas Tree Day at my house. Probably my favorite part of the holiday season. In honor of this sacred, beautiful, annual life-preserving, and often ornery rizzle-fratzen ritual, a few tips:
1. First thing, don’t think about the price. Just take a deep breath, put a wad of cash in your wallet for a tree, and think no more of it.
2. Inspect the tree’s trunk, top to bottom. Avoid those with a big bend.
3. If you can clearly see the tree’s trunk, top to bottom, to know for certain if there is a bend or split or other oddity, look for another tree that has more branches and cross your fingers about straightness.
4. You will never find a perfect tree but you will always find a perfect tree. This is a rule of Christmas magic and ornament camouflage. (So, you know, just pick a tree, any tree. It’ll be okay.)
5. Conversely—and critically—not every tree stand is a beautiful thing. No matter how much effort, patience, sweat, or cuss words you put into it, there is, and I cannot emphasize this enough, no single thing more important to maintaining the joy of Tree Day than your choice of Christmas tree stand. With 40-plus years of experience in this matter, which include (1) all the years of watching my Dad’s legs sticking out from under the tree as he patiently turned those three stupid screws with the rest of us shouting contradictory directions from strategic vantage points around the living room; (2) the year the tree fell on me, muting my happy caroling, squashing my naivete, and suffocating the joy of my first tree in my first apartment, which kept falling until I managed to rig it with a nearby wire hanger and my belt to hold the goddamn thing upright; and (3) the years I had my first gadget stand, which required an engineering degree, four hands, the strength of a long-haired Samson, a screw driver, a mallet, plus some fishing line nailed to the wall just in case, I completely and enthusiastically, yes, fanatically, recommend the Krinner Click Fix Tree Stand. Seriously. Your tree will be up, straight, and solidly standing without loss of blood or goodwill in about 15 seconds. No lie.
6. Christmas carols on the stereo are the perfect accompaniment for tree decorating. It is often the first time I will listen to these annual spirit soaring tunes. I recommend you get the potentially annoying stuff (stand, lights, and 104 trips to the sink for water) out of the way before you hit play.
7. Trees look smaller and shorter in the outdoors. Keep in mind that it is highly unlikely that your own height has changed since you left your house.
8. Tip the Tree Guy. Yes, the tree purchase is a very fleeting connection with a total stranger, and, despite tip #1, you just paid for the tree, so that price may be niggling at your brain a bit, but tip the Tree Guy. I don’t know if this is expected or common practice, but it’s what my Dad taught me. And, I love the Tree Guys. No matter what this person is like elsewhere, when helping me get my tree, he is chivalrous and strong. And his smile and handshake and friendliness in the purchase decision are sincere. If a Tree Guy, while on one knee, in the mud, connecting that bungee cord under the bumper of my car, looked up and proposed to me, I would say yes. (But, you know, I’m guessing he’d rather have the tip.)
9. I recommend that you buy a tree bag when you get the tree. Most tree places have them at the cash register area. They’ll help dramatically minimize needles on the floor and make it a lot easier to remove the tree when the holidays are over.
10. I recommend that you remember to position the tree bag under the tree before you do all the decorating.
So, have faith, have patience, have a sense of humor, and have a Happy Tree Day.
And, to those special few who celebrate it, today I also wish you Happy Alexmas! Happy Birthday, buddy.
December 12, 2010 at 6:11 am
If it is Valentine’s Day, and I don’t have a boyfriend, should I fight to ban pink hearts and bouquets of flowers?
If it is Veteran’s Day, and I never served, should I spend my days trying to ban parades?
If a total stranger has a Birthday or a non-Christian recognizes a holy day I am unfamiliar with, I have no issue. People that are not me are welcome to their own special day, and I truly hope they take the time to do whatever it is they want or need to do to commemorate, celebrate, and feel joy about that particular day.
Right? Yeah.
So, can anyone explain to me, why exactly some people have such a bug up their chimney when it comes to Christmas?
I’m not trying to be a smart-alec. I really truly logically emotionally thoughtfully confoundedly just don’t get it.
So, you don’t believe that Jesus was born in a manger. Okay. That’s fine; you don’t believe he was born in a manger. Why get so upset over somebody else displaying such a scene?
It’s not directed at you. It’s directed at those for whom it has meaning. Plastic wisemen cannot hurt you. The entire manger scene, complete with angels, a big ol’ star, and even a halo round a baby’s head, cannot—if you have conviction in your own soul, sincerity in your heart, or a brain cell in your head—change your own beliefs or alter your world view.
For you, the story of Jesus Christ is a fiction.
Do you run screaming for justice when you see a Spiderman movie poster in a store window? Should Shakespeare’s or Austen’s or Melville’s characters be banned? Are you offended by Snow White figurines?
Seriously, if you don’t believe in Christmas, what is the big honkin’ deal?
So, it’s not for you. Don’t celebrate it. Don’t put a Creche in your own front yard. There are certainly plenty of other takes on the holiday (Santa, reindeer, trees, cookies, cinnamon-crusted pecans, egg nog, champagne, stockings, candy canes, sparkle season, misfits and heatmeisers and grinches, good will toward men, and more). Maybe you don’t like any of that stuff. That’s okay, too. I don’t want to change your mind or send Jacob Marley to the foot of your bed. I don’t feel bad for you. To each his own.
December 25th is Christmas. It’s one day on the calendar. It’s a Federal holiday because it happens to be a day worth noting for a big chunk of the population. (We’re not doing it to upset you.)
Might I suggest that, before you call a lawyer, take a moment, settle in next to a roaring fire, down a chill pill or two, and see if you can’t think of something more deserving of your time and tears than having a hissy over Christmas decorations.
Shut up your shuttin’ up already and enjoy the extra day off. You’re welcome.
December 8, 2010 at 11:11 am
Life Preservers 
Happy Tree Day
Yesterday was Christmas Tree Day at my house. Probably my favorite part of the holiday season. In honor of this sacred, beautiful, annual life-preserving, and often ornery rizzle-fratzen ritual, a few tips:
1. First thing, don’t think about the price. Just take a deep breath, put a wad of cash in your wallet for a tree, and think no more of it.
2. Inspect the tree’s trunk, top to bottom. Avoid those with a big bend.
3. If you can clearly see the tree’s trunk, top to bottom, to know for certain if there is a bend or split or other oddity, look for another tree that has more branches and cross your fingers about straightness.
4. You will never find a perfect tree but you will always find a perfect tree. This is a rule of Christmas magic and ornament camouflage. (So, you know, just pick a tree, any tree. It’ll be okay.)
5. Conversely—and critically—not every tree stand is a beautiful thing. No matter how much effort, patience, sweat, or cuss words you put into it, there is, and I cannot emphasize this enough, no single thing more important to maintaining the joy of Tree Day than your choice of Christmas tree stand. With 40-plus years of experience in this matter, which include (1) all the years of watching my Dad’s legs sticking out from under the tree as he patiently turned those three stupid screws with the rest of us shouting contradictory directions from strategic vantage points around the living room; (2) the year the tree fell on me, muting my happy caroling, squashing my naivete, and suffocating the joy of my first tree in my first apartment, which kept falling until I managed to rig it with a nearby wire hanger and my belt to hold the goddamn thing upright; and (3) the years I had my first gadget stand, which required an engineering degree, four hands, the strength of a long-haired Samson, a screw driver, a mallet, plus some fishing line nailed to the wall just in case, I completely and enthusiastically, yes, fanatically, recommend the Krinner Click Fix Tree Stand. Seriously. Your tree will be up, straight, and solidly standing without loss of blood or goodwill in about 15 seconds. No lie.
6. Christmas carols on the stereo are the perfect accompaniment for tree decorating. It is often the first time I will listen to these annual spirit soaring tunes. I recommend you get the potentially annoying stuff (stand, lights, and 104 trips to the sink for water) out of the way before you hit play.
7. Trees look smaller and shorter in the outdoors. Keep in mind that it is highly unlikely that your own height has changed since you left your house.
8. Tip the Tree Guy. Yes, the tree purchase is a very fleeting connection with a total stranger, and, despite tip #1, you just paid for the tree, so that price may be niggling at your brain a bit, but tip the Tree Guy. I don’t know if this is expected or common practice, but it’s what my Dad taught me. And, I love the Tree Guys. No matter what this person is like elsewhere, when helping me get my tree, he is chivalrous and strong. And his smile and handshake and friendliness in the purchase decision are sincere. If a Tree Guy, while on one knee, in the mud, connecting that bungee cord under the bumper of my car, looked up and proposed to me, I would say yes. (But, you know, I’m guessing he’d rather have the tip.)
9. I recommend that you buy a tree bag when you get the tree. Most tree places have them at the cash register area. They’ll help dramatically minimize needles on the floor and make it a lot easier to remove the tree when the holidays are over.
10. I recommend that you remember to position the tree bag under the tree before you do all the decorating.
So, have faith, have patience, have a sense of humor, and have a Happy Tree Day.
And, to those special few who celebrate it, today I also wish you Happy Alexmas! Happy Birthday, buddy.
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December 12, 2010 at 6:11 am 3 comments