Let’s Be Friends

July 22, 2016 at 8:48 pm Leave a comment


Note:  This will be my only post related to the 2016 presidential election and it contains the only information I need to know about both candidates.


Hillary Clinton:

  • Did not grow up playing Kick the Can with me.
  • Did not help me move from my apartment into my house. She didn’t carry any boxes. She didn’t drive the truck. She didn’t notice the smell of gas in the basement — which, all of those fart jokes aside, probably saved my life.
  • Never squeezed my hand, had my back, or plotted escape with me on Hell Night.
  • Never helped me toilet paper a house.
  • Never showed up with a bottle of wine on a night after I’d had a really, really bad day.
  • Never went to a great bookstore or a crappy movie with me.
  • Never made me laugh so hard I snorted.
  • Never encouraged me to try online dating and then laughed-apologized-laughed as I told the tales of the Angry Guy, the Wrangler Jeans, the Guy with the Dented Head, and the Racist Midget.
  • Never played my favorite song on the juke box.
  • Wasn’t there for me when Han Solo died.

Donald Trump:

  • Did not show up and spend multiple, miserable, sweaty, back-breaking days replacing my roof. At cost.
  • Never drove me to the emergency room.
  • Never picked me up at my stranded car on a dark and stormy night.
  • Never sat in a bar with me til the wee hours discussing volleyball and life and a million silly things.
  • Never stood beside me in a funeral home.
  • Has no idea of the humor and the charm and the lovely always ache of the expression, “Merciful Heavens!”
  • Never sat in his car in my driveway until I’d made it up the steps and into my house.
  • Never took me out on a secret motorcycle ride.
  • Was not there for me when I lost my business, my boyfriend, my 30s, and the back wall of my house within a few short months.
  • Never mooned the New Year at my side.

There’s nothing wrong with healthy discourse, intelligent debate, or some good old joking around, but it’s getting ugly out there. I find it mind-boggling that friends and family members can turn on each other (and sometimes quite nastily) over politics. People are de-friending each other over politics? And stuff that’s on facebook or some random person’s blog?

Well this random person just wanted to say that politicians are total strangers who don’t give a darn about you, me, or us. They don’t even know your name, let alone that nickname and how you earned it. These people wouldn’t cross the street to spit if you were on fire and wearing their logo. They are like dark, twisted, heavily barnacled anchors, but friends and family are life preservers. Friends and family have been a real part of your real world, making it a much better place since longer than you can remember — and they’ll still give a darn about you on November 9.

Let’s make peace. Let’s make sense. Let’s be kind. Let’s be real.

Let’s stop poking each other with sticks.

Let’s be friends.


Entry filed under: Humor - Commentary, Life Preservers. Tags: , , , , , .

The Present, for Alex Things I Learned From Jody Lange

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