Life Preservers

Eye Carumba

October 20, 2014 at 11:08 am Leave a comment

I need new glasses. But I am bad at picking out frames.

No, really, I am. A very dear friend said so behind my back shortly after I got to school wearing glasses for the very first time in my life. I doubt she reads my blog. But, if so, I should say, Hey, no hard feelings and I’m just being funny when I mention that I heard what you said about my glasses and how everybody laughed at what you said even though I never told you that I knew. So, please don’t worry that you did permanent damage to my self-esteem or gave me trust issues. I mean, it was 30-some years ago, right? And as a confident, wise woman, I am, pfft, so over it. It totally does not come back to haunt me every time I need to get new glasses. Really.

So, anyway, for some reason, I always wait until it’s an absolute necessity before going to get new glasses. The current pair has one fogged lens, one scratched lens, and a broken nose guard. I would go back to my even-older pair if I could only ever manage to have the right sort of super glue and all of the pieces in the same place at the same time. But I can’t count on that happening before my current vision coverage expires, so all right, I’ll go get new glasses.

I can do this.

I’ll be organized and have a positive attitude. I’ll do online research and try frames on virtually, here at my desk, so I won’t feel dorky and awkward while looking in a mirror in public to oh-so-carefully check to see if I resemble “a giant bug.” If I’m looking online, no one will say, “They look great!” when I’ve inadvertently picked out (and they have already made the lenses for) frames from the children’s section.

Okay. I have a notebook, and I’ve taken tidy little notes. I have brand names and style codes, including one pair with a color and a shape that, dare I say, actually look kind of fabulous?

Oh, chair dance and an exclamation of Awesome! I love these glasses! That was easy! All I have to do now is call and make an appointment.

Ahem.

Republicans are not the problem; democrats are not the problem; doctors are not the problem; insurance companies are not the problem. The problem with navigating health insurance coverage of any kind is a complete and utter lack of synchronization. (And really bad web design.)

7,302 windows open in the browser and 3 hours later . . . I remain mostly baffled as to which company would accept my insurance, where the doctors listed by my insurance company actually do their work, what services are offered where, and whether or not anyone who accepts my insurance also carries those groovy frames that I liked so much.

So, I thought, “Well, maybe I should just go back to the store where I got my last pair.”

Sure, I went in there to get frames repaired, and they said I had to have a full eye exam first. Sure, after the exam, they said I needed a new prescription (which I still don’t like as much as the old one) and I said I wanted the new lenses put into the old frames, and they said that was impossible. Sure, they misadjusted my new frames so badly that I had crippling headaches for days. Sure, they talked me into restocking on contacts, even though I didn’t need them. And, sure, they assured me that they were experts on insurance coverage and that my contacts wouldn’t cost me a dime . . . until they called back a few weeks later to say, “You owe us hundreds of dollars!” and “No! You can’t return contacts!” And sure, the coating they added to the lenses (which I said I didn’t want but they said was vital and mandatory) crackled and fogged over on one side and people just kind of stare for a second and then glance away as if there is nothing weird about my face.

Sure, the place where I got my last pair of glasses does not deserve repeat business . . . but . . . I know without banging my head against a wall for 3 more hours that they accept my insurance.

So, I’m all set. By tomorrow, I’ll have new glasses.

They’ll probably look ridiculous.

Entry filed under: Humor - Commentary. Tags: glasses, insurance coverage, vision.