Life Preservers

One Side of a Telephone Conversation

March 26, 2013 at 11:55 am Leave a comment

Hello? Spring?

Yeah. What’s going on? Where are you? You said you’d be back. We had plans.

Really? Well, I saw a robin yesterday. It tried to alight on a tree limb—which was covered in snow—and then it tried to alight on the ground beneath the tree—which was covered in snow—and then it sort of skittered onto the parking lot, bewilderedly chirping.

Well, I don’t speak bird, but I’m pretty sure it was “WTF.”

Yeah. The robins are here. Yes, they are.

Seriously? You’ve had 9 months’ vacation. Guess what, the rest of humanity gets 2-3 weeks. So spare me.

The time change? The time change! Don’t make me laugh. We’re all a little messed up from the time change, but it’s been over a week now. And you’re in Hawaii, where there is no time change.

You think I’m dumb?

Excuse me? Chill out, my furry butt! We’re all CHILL. Oh we’re very chill all right.

Do I? Do I sound stressed? Yeah? Yeah, well, the fear of imminent death is a tad stressful.

Dramatic? Have you checked facebook lately? Do you have any idea what I’m going through here? Well, maybe it’s time you think about someone else besides yourself.  Maybe it’s time you think about me, your cousin Phil, the good ol’ ground hog who’s back here trying to cover for you.

Yeah. You said you’d be back early. Yeah, I told everybody.

They want to kill me.

I look like an ass.

Yeah, well, either you put down the mai tai, say good-bye to your cabana boy, and get your butt back on a plane to Pennsylvania. Or. I’ll tell Mother.

You wanna bet on that? Try to remember what she’s been like over the past year.

Okay, this weekend? You promise? You better.

Bye.

Entry filed under: Humor - Commentary. Tags: 2013, phil, spring, winter.