The Strange Goings-on on 34th Street

December 21, 2011 at 11:38 am 4 comments

Email from my bank:  You have a new bill from Macy’s.

Odd. I haven’t used my Macy’s card in about a year. But I check. And, yep, instead of my beautiful zero balance, there’s a charge for 50 bucks with the description “Hotline.” The bill also includes a “Have a question about your bill? Call Macy’s Customer Service!” So I do.

I’m on hold being bombarded with two-second snippets of songs followed by minute-long advertisements. Then, I’m arguing with an automated voice.

Hi. I’m a machine pretending to be a person with bad hearing who, golly gee, didn’t quite hear what you just said. Could you please try again to tell me your social security number?

And I say (again), I’m not going to give you my social security number. Let me talk to a person.

It feigns confusion. I repeat. It repeats. I repeat. And, then (machine pretending to be a human with a prefrontal lobotomy) it suggests I speak with a person.

I’m on hold a while longer.

Finally, a How can I help! and my explanation and Oh, you have to call the hotline company for that. Right. And so I call the hotline and a machine asks me to say my ZIP code and my house number, which I do. And then a person gets on and asks me to say my ZIP code and my house number. (123 Deja Vu Lane?)

She asks me many questions. They have no record of me. I am put on hold. I am transferred to The Analyst. She asks me the same questions and more questions including, “Does 2009 Main Street ring a bell.”

[An aside to the Piker Family:  Does it ring a bell?! HA!]

Uh yes; I used to live there. And, suddenly, The Analyst is done with me and getting off the call and I’m sputtering like Ralphie on the Santa slide as the boot comes down.

Me:  Wait. Wait. I didn’t have a Macy’s card when I lived there.
Analyst:  The charge is for a card protection service that was initiated through Kaufman’s.
Me:  I cancelled my Kaufmann’s card years ago.
Analyst:  Kaufmann’s bought Macy’s.

And I want to say I know that you stinking smarmy dipwad; my point is, Why the heck am I suddenly being charged for a FREE service that I had on a different card from over 20 years ago? but, The Analyst, she is gone. And I am left with original tele-person who desperately wants to update my address in their system. I inquire why she would bother. I don’t want this service; I’m not paying this charge; Why do you need my current address; And why am I suddenly being charged for a free service that I had on a different card over 20 years ago?

She can’t answer me that so I say, Okay, let’s just cancel this then. And she begins a sales spiel about how this service can protect me from fraudulent charges.

She. Has. Absolutely. No. Idea. How. Funny. That. Is.

She explains that I’ll get a refund and I inquire how that will occur. Do I pay and get a check? Do I not pay and get a credit? I do NOT want to end up paying any finance charges on this.

Her patronizing response? Oh, you’ll have to discuss that with Macy’s.

I will indeed have a chat with Macy’s. Or, at least, I will have a chat with a machine pretending to be a person who is bummed out about me canceling my credit card.

It’s a busy time of year folks, but keep an eye on those bills this month.

Motto/Sign from 1960s Macy's Campaign


Entry filed under: Humor - Commentary.

Um, Hi? Thank-you Tom Russell

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Pike  |  December 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    2009 main street!!!!! I don’t think I will ever forget that address….or the many good times we had there…or the paint color of your room!


    • 2. boatdrinkbaby  |  December 22, 2011 at 1:57 am

      Mine was a lovely mauve, haha. Pam’s was bubblegum pink! And yours was “sand.”


  • 3. WritingbyEar  |  December 21, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Must be the season for weirdness — did you see what happened to me? After the 4th iteration of cards (Hornes to Lazarus to a couple different ones for Macy’s), I finally cancelled it (them?). Don’t miss it a bit…but it sounds like I have to be afraid of it coming back!


    • 4. boatdrinkbaby  |  December 22, 2011 at 1:58 am

      Yeah, haha, I read yours shortly after I posted and left you a similar comment :)



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