Life Preservers

Post Office Puts the FU in Fun

February 3, 2012 at 11:35 am 3 comments

So. I had a package (item valued at about $100) coming in (on a Friday) that I then needed to ship from East Coast to West Coast overnight for Saturday delivery. To use Fed Ex or UPS, the cost of shipping would be more than the package’s value. A lot more. So I thought I’d double-check at the Post Office.

I didn’t have the package in-hand yet but wanted to be prepared in case it came in last-minute, so I drove over to the Post Office in the morning. I stood in the line. And I made it up to the counter with my questions. It went something like this:

Q:  Do you have overnight service? I’m looking into what my options are.
A:  Yes. It would get there tomorrow at Noon for about $20.

Q:  Really?!
A:  Yep!

Q:  Saturday delivery?
A:  Yep!

Q:  Great. What time do I need to have it here?
A:  7:00 p.m.

Q:  Really?
A:  Yep. You probably want to be here by 10 til 7:00 to make sure we process it by 7:00.

And I strolled out of Thee Wonderful Amazing U.S. Post Office feeling happy. Bounce in my step. Easy-peasy-pie! What nice people! What an amazing difference in price! What an incredibly quick service! Oh what a beautiful day!

The package in question arrived about two hours later, and I drove back to the Post Office. I packed it up in the appropriate packaging, I filled out the form, and I waited in the (longer than before) line.

A different clerk waited on me this time. He checked boxes and pushed buttons and slapped the label on and turned to me and said, “Okay. That’ll be there by 3:00 p.m. on Monday.”

Very aware of the long line of people behind me, their breath hot on my neck as they slid glinting letter openers from breast coat pockets . . . I explained that I needed it there tomorrow and that I had come over earlier in the day and was told it would get there by Noon on Saturday, not Monday afternoon. He looked at me like I was a little nuts, smiled, and shook his head. I took the package and drove away, imagining how Post Office employees might answer other questions.

Q:  I see you now sell greeting cards. How do they compare to Hallmark?
A:  They are BETTER! You simply buy one of these extra-special 2 cent stamps and the mail carrier will deliver it and sing a stunning Birthday operetta while giving your gramma a foot rub. 

Q:  I need to ship this animal. Can you help?
A:  Yep! Grab one of those small-size flat-rates, and for $5.35 we’ll have that baby elephant romping round the Serengeti before you get back to your car.

Q:  Would my teenage niece like this?
A:  Absolutely! Our research shows that stamp collecting is now more popular than American Idol, Dance Dance Revolution, and talking about boys among the 13-18-year-old female demographic.

Q:  Can I get a passport here?
A:  Yep! Go through that door, turn around 3 times and click your heels, and then leave. The next time you go through Customs, your Passport will be there waiting for you. 

Q:  How does the future look for a government-run postal service?
A:  Never better! The average letter carrier makes over $50,000 a year—with 11 holidays, 13 sick days, and 5 weeks of vacation after just 3 years of service!

(psst . . . one of the answers above is true.)

Entry filed under: Humor - Commentary. Tags: overnight service, u s post office.