Life Preservers

Dear Proud Parents of Nathan Lavezoli

March 8, 2011 at 5:55 am 7 comments

[To follow-up on my previous post, I discovered that the reason I could not access my network is because a neighbor had “stolen” it. Amusingly enough, he named the stolen network after himself—Dumb Ass—so I was able to figure out who the thief was and get his address in about 15 seconds. What follows is the letter I mailed to his parents today. Enjoy.]

Dear Proud Parents of Nathan Lavezoli:

I just wanted to thank your son for hijacking my wireless network. After about a week of having no internet access and spending many frustrating hours trying to figure out why, I finally spent a real fun Friday night on the phone with my ISP to figure out that Nathan was to blame. Then, I got to spend another hour (and $50) with the manufacturer of my wireless hub to get things back to normal.

First and foremost, I am so glad he used his own name when he stole my wireless and made it his own. That made it so much easier to be able to send this note!

I had been told by a professional that my wireless was secure, so imagine my surprise when Nathan proved that wrong. I am very appreciative that Nathan demonstrated this error to me in such a creative way.

Please thank your fine son for taking the time to steal my network. Had he not done what he did—had he simply used my wireless signal to get onto the internet whenever he felt like it—I would have never known.

By the way, I write this assuming you are aware that Nathan has had internet access. (But, if not, don’t worry, I’m sure he has just been using it to donate money to charity or buy school books.)

For now, I have decided not to report this incident to the police because I value them and the work they do, and I think they have way more important things to do. But, if this or something similar happens again (or if I discover that anything more than my wireless has been hacked), I will count on Neighbor of the Year Nathan to be available to help with the investigation.

I’m also not asking for reimbursement. To do that, I would have to provide my name and address. And, while I assume that Nathan is just a dumb kid who did a dumb thing and I assume you were unaware and I assume that a letter to his parents is all that’s needed to set him straight . . . if any of those assumptions were wrong, I wouldn’t want anyone in your household to have my information.

I have also, after some deliberation and against the advice of friends, decided not to leave a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep. With the mailing of this letter, I consider the matter closed.

Entry filed under: Humor - Commentary.